Here we go….. Another “YOU MAKE THE CALL”!

With all my days of coaching and “coaching” coaches, I have come across two extreme styles of coaching (actually a few more), but here I will focus on these two.

I want you to let me know which one of these two coaches you would rather have your son or daughter play for.

For the sake of this article we will say the sport is basketball and the age group is 10 year olds.

Here we go:

Coach “A”…

Here are his strengths: He is a mild mannered man who truly loves kids. He is soft spoken, gentle with the kids and gets along with everyone. He doesn’t scream at the referees and he conducts himself with a lot of maturity. You watch him from the bleachers and know that your child has a great role model in this coach and that character development is the priority here.  He is someone that you trust to be with your kids and to lead other kids. He has a good understanding of the game and understands the fundamentals and basic strategies of the game.

Here are his weaknesses: He doesn’t push the kids hard enough. Although you feel comfortable with him with your kids, under your breath you are crying out, “Please teach my kids more, and please motivate them to work harder and play with more passion.” He sits on the bench during the games just watching the kids play, and is quiet. He doesn’t use his timeouts to gather the kids and draw up new plays for a strategic game situation. He isn’t creative with his coaching style and it seems boring. It just doesn’t look like he has much passion for the game or for teaching the kids. He doesn’t show much enthusiasm and fire.

Coach “B”…

Here are his strengths:  He is very energetic. He loves the game and he loves to teach. It is very obvious that he is really passionate for your kids to learn. He is creative with how he coaches and motivates the kids by his never ending encouragement. During the games he is always on his feet yelling out instructions and cheering. He uses all his allotted timeouts as a learning tool to teach different strategies for strategic moments of the game. He works hard and with energy to teach the fundamentals of the game. Although he is a “yeller” and is very excitable, he is not demeaning to the kids. As a matter of fact, he deeply loves each and every one of the them.

Here are his weaknesses: He can get too excited. As a matter of fact gets an occasional technical foul at games because he is riding and complaining to the refs too much. He gets so excited during games that sometimes that carries over to the kids in a way that they become too nervous and sometimes out of control. The kids watch him complain at the refs and follow his lead and often times yell at the refs leading to the kids getting technical fouls as well.

And, there you have it, two different styles of coaching. One laid back and one full of energy. They both love kids and the parents trust the safety of the kids to the coach, but there definitely are some pros and cons to each method.

You only have these two choices, with the given extremes, so, make your choice. Which coach do you sign up your kid to play under for an 8 week season…  Coach A or Coach B?

Email me and give me your vote and why!

And now, “YOU MAKE THE CALL!”

Send your response to; tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com.

From the mailbag:
Our child was bullied by a dad coach in a sport that she loved early on as a child. Fast-forward to age 12 and now you are one of the “good” players in a larger school and you get asked to play for a combined team of “good” players. The only drawback is we questioned whether we wanted our child to play for this team because of the intensity of one of the dad coaches. We talked with our child about the dad coach and how we felt about his coaching style but in the end agreed with hesitation to be on the “team”.
The season started out great, it was fun, and the kids had a good time. All along we were waiting for the monster to rear his ugly head. Were we wrong? Had we misjudged him? Nope, not so much. The first tournament game, things were fun, kids played well. The second game of the tournament, here it comes, the ugly head. We see our daughter sitting on the chair by the coach, slumping, and upset. We knew something had happened. What had happened?
Here are the comments made by a dad coach that wanted his child to be the star when my daughter asked to go into the game: “The good kids are on the court, just wait.” The best hitters are on the court, just wait.”
Then I hear the comments from his daughter on the court: “Why did you hit the ball over the net, you need to pass it to me so I can hit it over”.
I want to call the coach, but my daughter pleads with me to not say anything because it will cause problems with the kids on the team and she would be embarrassed.
She goes to the next game, plays well but with little playing time. But the damage was done. She hated playing on that team. We made her finish the year. She sat on the bench most games. She didn’t want to make a mistake that would result in getting pulled out of the game.
The season finally ended and we left the team. But the agony was far from over. The next year of school started and it was time for volleyball season. She had been friends with these kids since first grade. Some of them no longer would talk to her, and made her feel like a loser. So add insult to injury, now you have no social network.
We have endured hours of sadness. This experience forced us to consider moving to another town. But what would we be accomplishing? She had to grow up fast, too fast. Present day, two years later. She has found a different network of friends. Her personality has changed, her free spirit and energy has been lessened. She doesn’t want to stand out in the crowd. She no longer plays the game she loved to play. She seems to be happy, but does not attend any school sports functions.
We are here to tell you as parents; stand up for your kids. Go with your gut feeling. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel guilty, angry and sad that we didn’t stop it. As a parent, it is uncomfortable confronting this kind of bully. It is awkward. You don’t know how to do it constructively. No one has the right to treat your kid unfairly. No one has the right to determine his future, or his attitude towards the future. We failed at going with our gut. The damage is done.

My response:
It is obvious that you love and care for your daughter deeply. It is difficult to see the effects a coach, teacher, or someone in authority or in a role of power has on our kids. You are correct in saying that it is important to go with our gut and stand up for our kids, confronting the real issues and protecting them when we see it will bring lasting damage. Because it is often difficult for us to be objective with our kids, this takes a lot of discernment and courage to communicate and humbly address what we are seeing while listening to wise counsel.
My hope is that every youth coach gets a chance to read this. The power of influence that an adult coach has on a child can greatly shape the many years to follow.
It is also important for us as parents to walk through these journeys with our kids and be the mature helper along the way. It is heartbreaking when youth sports cause more damage than good. The intention is for fun, growth and development and when we lose sight of this, great harm can be done.
If you have comments or questions for Tom Kuyper, email him at: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com.

“Get the ball to Jacob”!
“Ok, next time down the floor, make sure you clear the floor for Jacob and let him take his man one on one”!
“Time for a substitution, we’ll put four new ones in the game, but we’ll leave Jacob in.”
“Let’s run play #5, remember which one that is, it’s the one where we set a screen for Jacob and pass him the ball so that he can shoot”.
“Ok, way to run play #5, nice job. Now let’s run play #8. Actually it doesn’t matter, all the plays go to Jacob, so you have the green light to call any play you want”.
“Here is my pre-game pep talk: the only way we can win this game is to let Jacob do all the ball handling and shooting. Does everyone understand the game plan”?
“Hey Johnny, why did you shoot the ball? Did you forget the game plan? Let’s stick to it”!
I think we have all seen this kind of team, regardless of the sport. One kid carries the team. One kid does everything. One kid never comes out of the game.
I have a hard time thinking that when this team wins, that it’s really the “team” that has won. The question here is not which team is better, but which team has the most dominating player. Maybe it would be just as easy to determine the winning team to just let the best player from each team play a game of one on one to determine which team wins.
I have watched games where the league mandates that each team has 15 players and the first string from each team plays the first quarter, the 2nd string plays the 2nd quarter, the 3rd string plays the 3rd quarter, and then anyone, with free substitution can play the 4th and final quarter.
This really does give you a truer definition of which “team” won.
This may be a little over the top but really has a valuable lesson for the word “team”. It is true in this scenario that every person on the team is just as valuable as everyone else.
With my club teams, everyone gets substituted in and out of the game. Perfect “equal” playing time is difficult to administer, but I think you can get close enough so that everyone feels affirmed as a valuable component on the team.
I don’t think that it is a good learning lesson when one kid never comes out of the game. It just doesn’t teach him the character trait of humility.
This is when the coach can really apply strategic substitution patterns. I do think that a coach you can use strategic substituting to accommodate the strengths of each player.
No kid wants to feel like they are a worthless part of the team and not needed. Everyone has value, and a good coach can find the strengths and capitalize on them, or see potential and work at developing and improving on that potential.
So, do you have a better team, or just the best player?
“Ok, let’s pass the ball around and everyone keep moving. Whoever gets a good look at the basket and is wide open, I want you to shoot the ball!”
“Everyone put your hands in the middle, TEAM on three!”
If you have any questions or comments, email Tom Kuyper at: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com

QUESTION…My son (I think he was 12) usually pitched, but this game someone else was pitching and it
had not been “going” well. The score was tied; count was 3 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs in the bottom of the last inning, with the bases loaded.
The coach called a time out and went out to the mound as we thought to talk and calm down and encourage the pitcher. Instead, he made a switch and put my son in to pitch. There was only one pitch left. It was called a ball and the winning run was walked in. My son was the losing pitcher. Needless to say, he was hurt and felt terrible.
Is this a normal situation in kid’s baseball? Betty, South Dakota.

ANSWER… No, of course not. As a matter of fact, this is a new one for me, and I thought I had seen them all. This is unbelievable actually. Why would any mature adult coach do that? I guess the key word here is “adult”. What 12-year-old kid can come in and pitch one pitch after either sitting in the dugout all game or playing another position all game? It usually takes 2 or 3 batters or even more to warm up and feel comfortable and get into the rhythm of the game. Most kids would have thrown a ball. Is winning so important to him that he will risk this kind of a situation?
Bad move coach… Wrong move!

QUESTION… My son is in the 9th grade and is playing on the freshman school baseball team. He is one of the best fielders on the team and usually plays shortstop or 3rd base. Up until just recently he was a fair batter. (This is the weakest part of his game, and does need some work.) All of a sudden, he hit a dry spell and went from fair to “bad” as a hitter. The coach now has not let him bat in the games and uses a “designated hitter” in his place in the batting order. His confidence was already shaken but now that the coach pulls him out for a “DH” his confidence has hit an all time low. Help, what can we do?

ANSWER… first of all, I wish that wasn’t happening. Kids need confidence boosters, not self-assurance wreckers. Of course he has lost his poise when it comes to hitting. Now he is in a situation that if he does ever get the chance to hit in a game, he will feel an incredible amount of pressure to get a hit or make good contact. This is too much pressure. The coach needs to work with him and put in extra time to get his stroke and confidence back.
What about one of the pitchers on the team staying after for a short time to pitch some batting “live” practice? Does he have someone on the team that can help out?
Going to the batting cage is another idea. Not as good as live pitching, but a good place to get nice “meat” pitches and a good way to find his swing again. He can get in a lot of swings in a short amount of time.
Is there a hitting coach that you can hire for private lessons?
This might also be one of those times in life that you get to play the dad/coach and throw him pitches in the back yard or at the park. This is a great time for you to step up and be that encourager that he needs.
The key here is lots of repetitions swinging the bat.

Of you have questions or comments for Tom Kuyper, email: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com

No, No, No! This is a lame, dishonorable way to coach! It sounds like the coach didn’t know where else to turn, so he thought he’d try manipulation. This lacks integrity. Most kids do not respond positively to exploitation, sarcasm, or condescending remarks. This couldn’t be a more opposite approach to what is good.
Demeaning and intimidating will cause most kids to play out of fear. When kids play out of fear, they hold back and playing timid and with no confidence. That all adds up to failure.
Youth coaches need to all know that kids respond so much better to affirmation and positive instruction.
Sure, come on, we all know that we can get too excited at times and go over the deep end, but it should never, ever come at the cost of a kid’s confidence.
I also know that some kids can’t take any kind of correction. This is not good either. Loud instructive coaching is a good thing if it is done in an affirming and positive manner. I love it when coaches get excited and are passionate, and verbal, as long as it is in the best interest of the kids and as long as it doesn’t break the spirit of the kids.
It is hard for me to respond to your choice in leaving the team, as I don’t know all the details. My general thoughts are to stick it out and have you, the parents exercise your ability to encourage and use this as a teaching tool for the kids, at least until the end of the season. If this is a club team that goes on indefinitely as some teams do, then getting out sooner than later, is sometimes the right thing to do.
Bad coaching and a bad team can be used as a growing tool for kids if it is a short-term (8 week season kind of thing) situation.
I am sorry that the fun and inspiration of youth sports sometimes gets taken out of the equation. Come on coaches, let’s instruct with integrity!
If you have comments or questions for Tom Kuyper, email him at: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com

No, No, No! This is a lame, dishonorable way to coach! It sounds like the coach didn’t know where else to turn, so he thought he’d try manipulation. This lacks integrity. Most kids do not respond positively to exploitation, sarcasm, or condescending remarks. This couldn’t be a more opposite approach to what is good.
Demeaning and intimidating will cause most kids to play out of fear. When kids play out of fear, they hold back and playing timid and with no confidence. That all adds up to failure.
Youth coaches need to all know that kids respond so much better to affirmation and positive instruction.
Sure, come on, we all know that we can get too excited at times and go over the deep end, but it should never, ever come at the cost of a kid’s confidence.
I also know that some kids can’t take any kind of correction. This is not good either. Loud instructive coaching is a good thing if it is done in an affirming and positive manner. I love it when coaches get excited and are passionate, and verbal, as long as it is in the best interest of the kids and as long as it doesn’t break the spirit of the kids.
It is hard for me to respond to your choice in leaving the team, as I don’t know all the details. My general thoughts are to stick it out and have you, the parents exercise your ability to encourage and use this as a teaching tool for the kids, at least until the end of the season. If this is a club team that goes on indefinitely as some teams do, then getting out sooner than later, is sometimes the right thing to do.
Bad coaching and a bad team can be used as a growing tool for kids if it is a short-term (8 week season kind of thing) situation.
I am sorry that the fun and inspiration of youth sports sometimes gets taken out of the equation. Come on coaches, let’s instruct with integrity!
If you have comments or questions for Tom Kuyper, email him at: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com

It can’t be done; 4(all within 2-3 years of each other) kids all gifted athletes, all really active in sports, all active in school events and functions…etc and yet the family keeps “ticking”. Better than that actually, this family in the heat of the moment in the middle of the battle, in the craziness of a busy schedule of running kids around to all their youth sports games still remains a close and loving family.
Meet the LeBrun family, a family with their priorities in order; family first.
It can’t be done? Then you need to talk to Calvin, the youngest of the 4 kids.
“We didn’t have pressure at all to be good at sports”, Calvin told me. “Ultimately this was to have fun”, he continued, “at the end of the day they (mom and dad) were going to love us no matter what happened”.
You see, all 4 of the kids played lots of sports. Nikki, Tyler, Cory, and Calvin dabbled with lots of sports growing up. Golf, basketball, soccer and to make things more interesting, ice hockey…. In Phoenix, Arizona. (Just wondering if they missed the notices for the swim team?)
Baseball and softball ended up being the families best.
It can’t be done? Then maybe you can try what the LeBrun family did: have everyone get involved. Mark and Debbie did a great job of fostering a family of togetherness. They were involved. Mark coached the kids and was active with their teams. (Except for the fact that he ice skates like a wet sow on ice).
“Playing for him was the best”, Calvin said.
The whole family got involved, including the extended family. The grandparents loved going to all the games. They also enjoyed being a part of the “taxi” team. Those busy Saturday mornings for the LeBrun family meant everyone(grandparents too)meeting early at the kitchen counter for the big family team meeting and drawing straws to see which adult would drive which kid to which game. hands in the middle, “break!”
“We have a great relationship with everyone in the family. We play together and are involved with each other and we spent lots of time with each other”, Calvin said, “we were always together”
Mark would sit on a turned over bucket and play catcher as the kids pitched to him in the front yard. And when they weren’t at the baseball diamond or playing ice hockey, (In Phoenix? Come on) then they were in the back yard in the pool ( which makes a lot more sense) playing pool basketball.
“Dad had a pretty nice jump shot” Calvin reports, “but mom kept yelling “stop splashing”.
Not only were the kids successful as athletes as extended Jr. College playing careers and Cory playing at Gonzaga University, they have learned how to give back to the community.
Nikki is now a teacher at her former middle school and is also the girls’ basketball and softball coach.
Tyler is an assistant coach at Sunnyslope High School serving just under his dad who is the other assistant coach.
It was one of those “priceless” moments when Calvin last year as a Sophomore helped Sunnyslope win the state title.
“When we won State last year, there was no better way to spend it than being with my dad and older brother in the dugout, and then to have my other brothers and sister and mom and grandparents and more family in the stands there to be a part of it. Even lots of my former elementary school teachers came to support us”, Calvin said.
I can’t wait to see how Calvin will eventually give back to his community.
It’s not about winning or pressure or false expectations, it’s about love, being intentional with being together, it’s about playing together, it’s about ice skating in Phoenix…What?
It can be done!
If you have any questions or comments for Tom Kuyper, email him at: tomkuyper@kidsandsports.com